Mela's book of scribbles

Kiwi

2006-02-23T15:20:56Z

LIFE! Ah yes, and what IS life, anyway? What is This, why are my ears itching? What is it I'm allergic to? IS it food? Is it beer? is it TV? cats? Being alone? how do I build my life, and once I've started, how do I ensure that I keep building. How good is a house without a cieling? or walls? I guess I can live in a basement, but think of what i'd be missing. It seems i'm always living in basements, so to speak. I'm sick of being ashamed of myself, sick of not being good enough, sick of not getting what i want because of who I am and because I can't follow through with things.

I miss my friends. Sometimes I think i'll never see anyone again. Like i'll just wither away and disappear one of these snowy nights in Roxbury... or one day on the chairlift or at the top of a steep trail i'll just... blow away and exist nowhere but in memory and wispers of something that... maybe happened, a long, long time ago.

---Rip Van Winkle of the vermont wilderness! Atlantis of the American population under 21! Normal, actually, which is the scariest of all.

Damn.

echos from a time before the train

2006-02-15T03:20:32Z

I lay on the floor feeling sick. This day has been like a nightmare, though strangely poetic in it's agonizing slowness. The train whistle that echos through the valley and bounces off each peak of sugarbush haunts me; reminds me of things best forgotten.

there is snow, but not enough. I spent the day on the slopes, with a bunch of ungrateful 15-year olds and a hurt 19 year old. he wasn't there physically for very long, but he echoed in my brain the way the train whistle echos off the rocks. He left in a whirlwind of dissappointment and pain, and after that I rode by myself. Frusterated I took a turn too sharply and as I hit the ground, hard, felt my spine shudder from C1 all the way to S5. I sat there in the snow, in the middle of a vast and deserted trail, feelings welling up inside me like a murky pool. I wanted to lay in the snow and scream, I wanted all my pain to fly away and disappear on the wind like a snowflake.

rather then seeking solace in intoxication as is the norm, I just sit and visualize my cells as snowflakes. I lay in the snow and imagine I am part of it. I am the cool clarity of ice, the immortal yet ever changing pulse of water in the veins of the earth. I imagine the perfect death for myself... simply laying in the snow and calmly allowing my cells to sleep and sink.

and then it's mouse on the phone, and we speak of old times through music and movies, though we mostly just want to hear eachothers voices rise and fall... the familiar tide of comfort and history. And I think, that ever moving energy, that connectedness over distances, the nearness in farness and the ever changing waves of life and living, of dreams being born and dying, of seeds cracking and sending roots deep into the ground... of our voices playing a gentle ping pong accross miles and accross memory, I think, surely that is god.

heh...

2005-10-20T15:42:51Z

In a Past Life...

You Were: A Genius Chief.

Where You Lived: China.

How You Died: Consumption.

Who Were You In a Past Life?

Why Is Everyone Dying?

2005-10-13T15:37:03Z

This morning I couldn't wake up. I tried several times, but always the temptation to curl up in my nest and close my eyes was too strong. My dreams were strange and unsettling.

It was morning, and I was going to work. I started out in one direction, but I got confused as to who I was working for that day and, realizing I was far off course, I took a strange back road I'd never seen thinking it might be a short cut. I came around a bend in the road and there was a big SUV parked sideways in the road. on a whim instead of swerving I drove over the top of it and felt fear as I was airborne and began to fall. while I was flying through the air my mind was wrestling with it's self, half of it was afraid and telling me I was going to die, the other half was calm and saying, maybe not quite that I was dreaming so it'd be okay, but that things like this happen all the time and I'm always fine.

In anycase, after taht I was unable to go to work. It turned out that the house I'd landed in front of was Sonya's host family, while she was at boarding school or something. She was there with four other dark eyed children and their mother. they were beautiful and a little ghostly. My brother was with me, and we moved our stuff into an old winnebago kind of thing, but there was a huge snake in it. while I was talking with the girls michael got the snake into a suitcase and zipped it up. I came in and the suitcase was moving around and rattling and we had a hell of a time trying to get it out the window so the children could play in the camper. they wanted to have a traditional dance party.

weird dream, left me unsettled because while most aspects of it made sense as pieces of my thoughts or reality right now, the girls and their mother came out of nowhere.

In other news....
I shaved my legs. It's strange to hear myself say this, but it's really nice!
I am tired these days, and I need to lose 15 lbs, but I am having a hell of a time with that. I'm super excited about massage school, I'm SO ready for a change.

love and bubbles and snot and frogs and treehouses.

gingerpuddin @ 2005-10-07T21:38:00

2005-10-08T01:46:34Z

Hate is a strong word. Perhaps disrespect and disinterest are more appropriet. I hardly feel that I love anyone anymore.

It's sort of a matter-of-fact realization... drifted, left, disappointed, forgotten, become a haze of memory, a misty ghost of childhoods past. When is the decision to stop communicating made? does it happen all of a sudden, on a whim, or meditated over every morning for a year? who are the few people left in who;s laughter i detect demension? will they remain? Moving on is exciting and satisfying. It is easy in a way I never expected, to leave behind the things I used to love. It is a delicious time to rebuild.

Seagull, my transformation

2005-10-02T03:56:26Z

When I was 4 years old, I saw a national geographic photo of a seagull with its head caught in one of those plastic things that hold 6 packs of soda. I remember staring at it in fascination as much as horror, unable to tear my eyes from the gruesome image. The message was clear to me: humans do bad things to the earth, and the earth does not deserve it.

My parents believed in the teachings of Rudolf Steiner, that graphic images impede children’s capacity for imagination. Perhaps the reason this particular photograph had such an impact on me was simply because I had rarely seen anything like it. Whatever the reason, whenever I saw a plastic 6 pack holder laying on the side of the road after that, I would also see that poor seagull with the plastic digging into it’s head. Still, at age 19 I remember that picture clearly. For the past 15 years I have picked up every one of those fatal, nameless plastic things that I’ve seen.

The reason I chose this for my transformation essay is because when I was four I felt empathy for that seagull. I felt it’s pain, and I went out and did the only thing I knew of to try and make the suffering less. One little girl picking up trash may not sound like such a big deal, but I think it is. The world is big, and there are so many problems to solve. I think all we need to do is allow ourselves to feel empathy, and to do what it tells us to do. It has become a ritual for me, a sort of homage to the earth, and to the spirit of the bird that spoke to my heart so long ago. Perhaps by now it is just habit. And yet, how will good habits start, if we don’t allow ourselves to feel?

An Unfair World

2005-09-22T05:57:45Z

As a child I used to be unorigional and cliche, but it was how I needed to be at the time. Since, I believe, I have been on a quest for origionality. In that quest, I have found origionality by it's self and for the sake of its self to be empty and meaningless. Better to be cliche and heartfelt then to be origional and shallow.

I think a lot these days about how all things are connected (there I go being cliche again.)But truly... think about the butterfly effect, monarch butterflies, GE corn, and the tsunami, Katrina, and Rita. Think about the possibility of a looming avian flu epidemic... no... pandemic? think about global warming, how a few more million cars can raise the oceans temperature by just a few degrees, and how that can raise the intensity of a storm by two or three classes... I mean, if you think about it all together, one might come to the conclusion that we're doomed. Whats more, we've brought it all upon ourselves.

sometimes i panic, when i'm driving down the highway... running madly from place to place in my busy life. often a sad event like a dead animal on the road, or an accident will provoke it, or sometimes it's just the sinking needle on the fuel gauge. Often the rush of emotions that follow verbalize themselves as "I'm a monster" or "we are monsters" (we being the human race as a whole.) and while the human mind, heart, and subconcious are my passion and my chosen field of study... i really hate us as a species.

Thinking also about connectedness in relation to the self... physical, mental, emotional? How does birth trauma effect the rest of our lives? how crucial are the first few moments in this world, breathing independent of our mothers? how interwoven and delicate are those first bonds, those first associations, those first primal beliefs?

anyway, it's late, and though i don't feel it i know i am exhausted.

michael's coming to visit me on friday. i'm way excited.

Optimism

2005-08-31T02:37:24Z

I registered for Kripalu this evening. Feels really good to have that in place. I'm ordering my textbooks... I love buying books... it's so exciting. Massage school is exciting.

I'm talking to Michael Sotak about optimism. It's quite interesting and refreshing and i'm going to find a way to get back in that realm of seeing the world in a good light, and loving what i do. it used to come so naturally to me... no reason it can't again.

life life life life la la la la....

dOgZgO4CaTZ: what's good
Aapplesause: good is life
Aapplesause: this moment
Aapplesause: the crickets
Aapplesause: and the rain
Aapplesause: and the anticipation of a beautiful night
Aapplesause: and another precious day
Aapplesause: and i am going to see mason tomorrow
Aapplesause: and help him paint his bed tangerine

Nausea

2005-08-21T17:44:37Z

yesterday was gizzy's birthday. love you gizzy. my ankle, and wrists ache,
and i am having issues getting around to all the stuff i have to do today. birthday parties, birthday presents, a concert, and my dear sonya is coming to stay for a little while. i just found out that i'm staying with willow for 3 weeks this fall, and that'll re-arrange things a bit, but it should be good.

Bikram made me nauseous this morning. it might have been because my body was so full of toxins from friday. I had a lot of fun this weekend, i saw keith, adam, and susannah, and met tons of new people. i played psychologist, sang a lot, laughed, snuggled, bonded, and spun in circles under a gray sky until everything became a blurr of trees, sky, fire, thoughts, emotions, and the people walking slowly towards me through it all. they caught me and i fell, i fell and they caught me, and as my eyes re-focused i saw tears on one girls cheeks. what followed was sad stories and so much frusteration... and after we talked it all over we ran laps around the field, and when she stumbled to a standstill we went back to the fire and watched people sing, wood burn, evolution, and the night.

i won half a long trail on a bet that adam and susannah would hook up, but it got drunk, drank? (and not by me) during all the debating and discussing.

that night i slept for about an hour, but it was a delicious hour. keith snuggled me just like he used to and somehow for that little bit of time i was more comfortable and slept more sweetly then i have in a long time.

saturday morning keith and i dragged adam out of his nest, and away from his hot babe, and i got home by 8:00 AM. slept until 2, babysat until 10, slept again.

so after that slightly pointless rant, off i go to see what i can do with this day.

Thoughts

2005-08-07T18:07:46Z

Sunday afternoon. quiet. my body feels strong and nurished. Bikram yoga. watermellon. I picked up a paycheck today, from the saurkraut guy, and I got a message from my massage school... it sounds like i'm in. i'm sooo excited. my cousins left early this morning. it was soo nice to see them... i got to spend some really good time with Alex, taught him how to drive a standard, and we went swimming and to the drive in last night. charlie and the chocolate factory... it was really good!!!!! johnny depp is incredible. really! how many really talented, versitile (not to mention gorgeous) actors are there these days? ok, so nicole kidman is gorgeous and quite good, but all she does is breathe really loudly and look frusterated(bewitched was terrible).

Anyway, my work is good... i have a wonderful relationship with the family i'm working for, and my construction job is good too. a little frusterating because the guys i work with can be bums and are sometimes slightly vacant and useless, but all in all i'm making money and keeping busy.

i'm going to try and go to my first Aikido class this week.

"through all the wiles of these troubled times, through shadows deep and long, even as our hearts cry out with joy or shame no fear may spoil our song...."

god i miss shape note!!!!

gingerpuddin @ 2005-07-19T13:57:00

2005-07-19T17:59:14Z

Hey everyone, i'm fine, really, i was just feeling whiney for a while there. and hey, livejournal is like, whiners-central, isn't it? there are whole articles written about it. it just seemed, fitting, you know...

WOAH WOAH WOAH WOAH WHAT THE FUCK?

2005-07-15T05:19:23Z

YOU KNOW, I'M DOING IT AGAIN. WRITING IN CAPS. WHAT THE HELL.

I'M NOT REALLY HAPPY RIGHT NOW. NOT AT ALL, ACTUALLY. I COULD RANT ABOUT IT AND SOUND LIKE AN ANGSTY 13 YEAR OLD, BUT I WONT. I NEVER GOT TO BE A MESSED UP 13, I WAS A HAPPY AND CONFIDENT 13. NOW WHEN EVERYTHIGN IS ROCKING FOR THE OTHER NORMAL 19S... LIFE FUCKING SUCKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

AND NOW IT'S MY TURN TO WRITE IMMATURE BULLSHIT DEPRESSION PATHETICNESS IN MY livejournal. NO WAIT, I SAID I WOULDN'T DO THAT.

I TRIED TO GET A JOB TODAY. I REALLY DID. A CRAPPY ONE EVEN, "PLANTWORKER" AT LONGWIND FARM. YEAH! BUT I WAS EXCITED ABOUT IT & THEY WOULD HAVE HIRED ME ON THE SPOT EXCEPT I HAVE TO LEAVE IN THE END OF OCTOBER. I MEAN, FOR A SECOND THERE I CONSIDERED ABANDONING MASSAGE SCHOOL FOR THE CRAPPY $8/HR. TOMATO FARM JOB, I NEED SOMETHING TO DO THAT BADLY.

YEP, DAT'S FO CERTAIN. I FOUND MYSELF SPEAKING ITALIAN TO A RASPBERRY BUSH TODAY. YEAH, WHATEVER MAN.

I BIKED A LOT TODAY. TO KARINAS HOUSE, THE LONG WAY AROUND. HAH, THEN I WAS USELESS FOR THE REST OF THE EVENING.

I LOVE EVERYONE. NO REALLY. ALL YOU OLD HULBERT BUDDIES, LOCAL BUDDIES, GEEK BUDDIES, BUDDIES FROM MY PAST, BUDDIES AND LOVIES AND LOVELIES AND FAR AWAY HUNEYS, I'M MISSIN' YOU SOMETHIN' AWFUL AND LOVIN' YOU LOTS RIGHT AT THIS VERY MOMENT.

EMOTIONAL ROLLERCOASTER, ANYONE?

2005-07-06T18:21:55Z

I HATE FUCKING EMOTIONAL ROLLERCOASTERS, GODDAMNIT. AND I HATE TRAIN WRECKS, AND I HATE LOTS OF THINGS! I LOVE RAINSTORMS, THOUGH, I AM ALWAYS WAITING FOR THE RAIN TO COME.

For some reason I am always waiting for the rain...

um

Fine

curious

Uncertain

independent

Rebellious

Contrary

Hopeless

Alone

sad

I've been productive today. I feel pretty good. I feel free. A little sad, but free and honest. I've got two more house sitting jobs, so nice. I, unlike camille, do not often get what I want, and it is sad, but it's the way things are. My moms last batch of lemon lip balm is particularly yummy... GO, TELL IT ON THE MOUNTAIN... I've designed "annie's new kick butt, life-on-track routine" we'll see how it goes.

i've been getting in touch with my redneck side lately. working all day in the fields and getting burnt, wearing a Washington baseball cap, learning how to grill hamburgers and play horseshoes and the like.

WOAH< WAIT< WHAT HAPPENED TO HER?

Charlotte Horton Hears a Who

2005-06-29T05:45:32Z

1 AM, VT route 113, and I know eachother very well. My mom tried to get me to pull over and let her drive, but the drowsy curves and the cold air as it rushed in my half open window were familiar and sweet in their strange way. yes, this road and i know eachother well.

I got here and stepped out the car door into my pair of mud boots. i got them on the wrong feet and giggled as i walked awkwardly down the steps, swinging my bottle of milk from one hand. once inside Hailley, Shadow and I bonded over glasses (or should i say, a plate, a bowl and a jar, respectively) of warm, organic, whole milk with chunks of cream floating in it.

mmmmmmmmmmm milk.

I'm trying to be creative, 1:40 am is a very creative hour, but all i can think of is my bed. perhaps fernando pessoa is right, and sleep when you're tired is the meaning of it all.

*******

so for now, fuck all my troubles, fuck the emotional breakdowns, fuck the good, bad, ugly, beautiful beyond belief, brad pitt, startling, interesting, mysterious and otherwise, i am tired, so i shall sleep.

fernando Pessoa

2005-06-28T15:44:21Z

It was a brief moment, and it’s already over. Once more I see the furniture all around me, the pattern on the old wallpaper, and the sun through the dusty panes. I saw the truth for a moment…

To know nothing about yourself is to live. To know yourself badly is to think. To know yourself in a flash, as I did in this moment, is to have a fleeting notion of the intimate monad, the soul’s magic word…

It was just a moment, and I saw myself. I can no longer even say what I was. And now I am sleepy, because I think – I don’t know why – that the meaning of it all is to sleep.

Rotten Ghostly Children

2005-06-25T14:00:38Z

This isn't depressing, it's pensive.

I imagine feeling sick for the rest of my life.

An endless stomach ache of not being loved enough. That's what stomach aches are, after all...

fucking screwed to a wall between childhood and adulthood, between two men that i love, between the day and the night, my needs and my fears, my friends and myself.

somehow when things are rough, i always think back to this one time when i was little... i did something that made my dad mad and he yelled at me. He sent me to my room, and i sat there crying for a long time. after a while he came up and hugged me to him. "will you forgive me?" he asked. I nodded tearfully. I could never refuse anyone forgiveness, especially not him. He never asks for my forgiveness anymore.

I think he's now forgotten that forgiving is more important then the fighting or the being right or wrong.

this morning i sat on the porch and the air felt haunted. somewhere just beyond the treeline i heard the laughter of children, but saw none. the voices bounced around the valley, surrounding everything. such an alien sound in this quiet place... when they appeared in the field, a little boy and girl, i thought they looked like ghosts. i wanted them to leave.

gingerpuddin @ 2005-06-25T00:39:00

2005-06-25T04:44:44Z

I promised myself i wouldn't ever write anythign depressing here ever again.

so maybe i'll write something angry.

i hate B. i'm so sick of her bullshit. she's such a fucking nympho jealous bitch and she always makes me feel like shit.

i've always told people i like B.

i just wrote it here a few days ago.

i thought i did.

but i don't.

My fucking awesome day

2005-06-16T14:15:46Z

Yesterday I had this idea for a road trip. As my day was sucking and I had nothing better to do, I obsessed over the idea for some time, jumping all around the house, talking to myself, and generally making a spectacle. I thought out ever little detail and even thought of a strategy for making my mom agree to it.

I was super hyper yesterday, and couldn’t focus on anything. My day went sort of like this, each in approximately 10 minute segments: workout, eat, write, check email, do research, go biking, make phone calls, study, plan and scheme, try to find the weirdest outfit possible, remember there was something else I needed to look up online, and repeat. I called Karina to see if she wanted to do something but she was slightly preoccupied with her man, so I went over and hung out for a little, then stole Noah and we went to look for Jake.

Jake wasn’t at Aloha. JAKE IS ALWAYS AT ALHOA! Wtf? So we went to wings, to use the phone, and there, who should we see but BROOK! I had a really nice, civilized, and interesting conversation with Brook for at least an hour, until Noah was so bored and cold that we were jumping up and down for both his warmth and entertainments sake, and frightening customers.

Heidi eventually came down to the store with her dad to get M&MS for cookies, and though I didn’t hurt her in the middle of Wings, I hugged her and chatted for a little while.

After a pack of Twizzlers and one of those strawberry orange dole thingies, I was a little hyper again, and having confirmed that Heidi was busy with her cookies, Adam was off on some class trip, and Keith and Yanni were nowhere to be found, Noah and I bid Brook a fond farewell and drove off in my sweet little buzzy car.

We went to Hanover, and I stopped by Kenny’s to see if he knew where my mom was. He didn’t, but it was super nice to see him. Plan B… we went and checked if there were any good movies playing. Nope, only Mr. and Mrs. Smith, but it wasn’t for an hour. We thought we’d take a crazy chance and go to triple play on the off chance that Yanni might be there.

Triple play was closed, but peering in the door through the Star wars and War hammer posters, I saw the great hulking form of our very own beast man puppy! Not only that, but Nikki was there too. We jumped up and down and pounded on the door and shrieked until they let us in, and I had a great talk with Nikki about rugby and this season and their two new amazing props. Incredible scrums this year, folks. I got kind of, actually, really, insanely jealous that I missed it.

After that we went to Jay’s apartment, ate apple jacks with a light saber spoon, met his cat, Shoe, and looked at pictures of Body Builders and discussed the attractiveness/unattractiveness/health of the guys. We disagreed slightly, but It was cool anyway, and seeing Noah’s eyes begin to glaze over, I sadly decided to go.

I babbled (possibly incoherently) in the car on the way home, about myself mostly, and we listened to my new favorite song, Nemo…. Quite a few times. I dropped Noah off, and went home and watched Julius Caesar until I couldn’t keep my eyes open any longer.

That was my day, in probably way more detail then you ever cared to know, but deal with it, punks, ‘cause I’m a self centered bitch.

AHAHAHAHAHAHAH

2005-06-14T18:33:46Z

I JUST WENT TO THE DMV AND IT WAS GREAT! IT TOTALLY ROCKED, AND MY NEW LISENCE IS SO BEAUTIFUL I ALMOST DIED! I DROVE HOME IN ECSTASY, ZOOMING THROUGH AS MANY PUDDLES AS MY LITTLE CAR COULD REASONABLY HIT, AND EVEN STOPPED TO SAVE A TURTLE ON THE ROAD! IT WAS THE COOLEST ASS DAMN TURTLE MY ASS HAS EVER SEEN. FUCKING ORANGE! AN ORANGE FUCKING ASS TURTLE!

I GOT HOME AND PROUDLY EXHIBITED MY LOVELY NEW DRIVERS LISENCE, PRINTED VERTICALLY INSTEAD OF HORIZONTALLY, WITH THE PHOTO THAT LOOKS LIKE MERRY FOGG, TO MY UNASSUMING DAD. HE IS BORING AND WE'VE BEEN FIGHTING, SO HE DIDN'T APPRECIATE IT AS MUCH AS HE SHOULD HAVE. BUT I THINK SECRETLY HE WAS JUST DEPRESSED HE HADN'T GOTTEN HIS WALLET STOLEN ON THE 64 BUS IN ROME SO HE TOO COULD GO TO THE DMV AND GET A BRAND NEW PHOTO LISENCE FOR HIMSELF.

I'M SERIOUSLY THINKING OF GOING CRAZY SOON. I MEAN, MY GOD, I'M 19, IT'S SUMMER, I HAVE A HOT CAR, SAW A FUCKING SWEET ORANGE TURTLE TODAY, I'M BASICALLY IN LOVE, AND I'M SITTING AROUND IN A PUDDLE WONDERING WHY I CAME HOME FROM ITALY. WHAT A SLEAZY LAZY STUPID ASS THING TO DO! I MEAN, I CAN'T LET OTHER PEOPLE ROCK MORE THEN I DO. HEIDI! DUCK!

SO I FEEL LIKE RAISING HELL. MAKING A SCENE. BEING SHOCKING. TELLING MY FUCKING DAD TO GET OVER HIS JEALOUSEY OVER NOT GETTING AS GOOD A DRIVERS LISENCE AS ME, AND JUST BE A BIT NICER FOR ONCE. TELLING THAT FUCKING UNASSERTIVE NEUTRAL BOY THAT I'M CRAZY ABOUT HIM, FUCKING FINISHING ALL THE SHIT I STARTED, BEING HONEST AND OBNOXIOUS AND IN YO' FACE AND UNTRADITIONAL AND UNCONVENTIONAL AND NOT GIVING A SHIT IF NICK KRUSE CAN WRESTLE AND I CAN'T BUT LEARNING HOW TO WRESTLE PROPERLY ANYWAY. HEIDI WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU?

I MEAN, WHAT REALLY SUCKS IS THAT THERE IS NO ONE AROUND WHO I AM MATCHED WITH FOR PHYSICAL STRENGTH AND AGRESSION. I NEED SOMEONE TO BE THICK SKULLED AND MACHO WITH, WHO'S NOT KEITH (WHO COULD MASH ME INTO A PULP) AND NOT KARINA (WHO I COULD MASH INTO A PULP) AND WORSE YET, THE FUCKING RUGBY SEASON IS FUCKING OVER. OR ALMOST SO. AND I AM NOT ALLOWED TO PLAY BOYS LACROSSE.

LIFE'S NOT FAIR!

THE WEATHER IS SLIGHTLY AGRESSIVE, HOWEVER, DAILY SUMMER STORMS, AND ALL. IT'S DEFINATELY MY FAVORITE TIME OF DAY.

I'M THINKING OF GOING TO MASSAGE SCHOOL. I DON'T REALLY WANT TO GO TO REGULAR COLLEGE JUST YET. EVERYONE DOES THAT, AND THAT'S REASON ENOUGH FOR ME NOT TO. I HAVE TO KEEP REMINDING MYSELF THAT I ENJOY MY ECCENTRIC LIFESTYLE AND ITS WHAT I'VE CHOSEN, FOR SOEM VERY WELL THOUGHT OUT REASONS, MAINLY BEING THAT I'M CONTRARY AND WHEN EVERYONE GOES RIGHT I GO LEFT. USUALLY EVERYONE WENT RIGHT BECAUSE THERE'S A DITCH ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE ROAD, BUT HEY, I LIKE MUD AND SCUM, AND MUDWRESTLING IS JUST ABOUT MY FAVORITE SPORT EVER. PROBLEM IS, LATELY I'VE BEEN LEFT MUDWRESTLING WITH MYSELF. NOT SO MUCH FUN, REALLY, AS IT TURNS OUT.

AND TODAY I FUCKING SAW A FUCKING ORANGE ASSED TURTLE.

Catania

2005-04-15T13:55:18Z

our last night in naples was a blast. i stayed out far too late with some friends from the hostel, an australian woman named kylie, and a german actor named constantine lucke. we met lots of italians and a latvian chap that looked exactly like adam kramer. the next morning, exhausted, a bit hungover, but happy and ready to move on em and i caught a posh eurostar train to catania. the coast from naples to sicily is stunning... and i think i like southern italy much better then northern italy, although that is amazing as well. the mediteranean out one side of the window and the dramatic mountains on the other made looking out the window a full time occupation. we just barely made it in time to catch the ferry to sicily, but make it we did, and stood by the railing breathing in the (slightly) salty air and watching the coastline approach.

we got to catania fine, and found our hostel in time to go out and get some food for dinner. we cooked our tortelini and spinach with delight and sat down with it and a bottle of cheap wine- and felt very pleased with ourselves.

today we awoke to a huge market laid out before us in the streets. we walked around looking at strange fish, live octupuses, and freaky carcases of all different sorts of animals. we bought some strawberries and grapes, and later walked down to the beach. tonight i think we will go out and try and find some music.

Nothing in particular

2005-03-14T03:23:26Z

So... time to write something, something not corney, not bragging about beaches and shit, not whining, i just want to write. Woah, where to begin, where to go with it once i've begun?

Things have been strange for me lately. I don't quite know what I'm feeling, or thinking, or doing. I've been dazed, actually, Emma was here all weekend and things were still fuzzy. No I haven't been drinking. I guess it has a lot to do with Alex. My cousin is really sick right now... and it's having a huge impact on our family. I feel rotten for leaving right now, I don't want to leave, but then again it's what I need to do. If I don't leave I'm going to fade away, it already feels like it's eating away at my soul. I feel weird right now, but also kind of free. I've lost contact with most people I once thought I would know forever, hulbert is gone, VH is gone, The Berserkers, even. I still love them but can no longer play with them. I might try and start a womens team, but that'll be a lot of work and I don't have all the rules memorized or anything. Plus, vermont is devoid of people.

Naturally other things come into my life to take the places of the old things, but they are different, more subdued, more personal. They are mine, and mine alone. I no longer feel the need to share things with someone to make them special, they can be special and all my own. I still love sharing, of course, but not everything. Maybe I'm growing up, or maybe I'm gettign boring, I can't tell the difference. I'm looking forward to this week. I'll get to see people I haven't seen in ages, have a lot of appointments, and do some last minute shopping and finagling and packing for Italia.

Anyway, I'm tired and out of it, so I'm gonna go. Love to everyone.
-A

Who knows

2005-03-08T04:18:21Z

The little twitch of uncertainty
That hits your cheek
And moves down your spine
What if… there are no more roses
To put on the graves
And the yellow eyes of the sun?

I imagine it leaking through the roof
The fate that one day must bind us all
It rests on my pillow
And looks at me as if to say…
We are meant for one another,
You and I.

And I was stuck in a room of poetry
Dusty poets and dusty books fell at my feet
All the smoothest drawing pencils
On perfectly smudged and practiced sketchpads
And the mystery of life hung in the air over my head
Just waiting, waiting, wanting to be written down, In the most beautiful words-
Words no one had ever heard before.

The passion!
The feeling that would fill that room was electric!
There was never a dull day, never a dull moment,
Always there was love, always there was beauty,
Never faltering, every emotion was perfect,
Every wish became a stunning composition.
Only poets cherish pain
For the bride of pain is beauty herself
The eloquence with which a man in pain expresses himself is pure, and golden.

Yet down the roof and over the window sill
Fate comes creeping, and it is not so kind
It cruelly takes us and twists us, so that we will never be in that perfect place
Where it is all laid out for us
What we must do
It is often not until the very instant of death that we realize-
But it is not too late.

....For the realization is the crucial part
The rest we can leave to those who have nothing better to do with their time
Then try and figure out new ways to write those things
Which have been written already
a hundred, thousand times.

Na Pali Idol

2005-03-05T03:56:24Z

You can live beside the ocean
leave them all behind
swim out past the breakers
watch the world die

*Echo*

I just spent two weeks in glorious Hawaii. I slept on stunning beaches, falling asleep to the sound of the surf and falling kukui nuts, after staying up late with beach hippies around a camp fire, passing a cup back and forth and drumming crazy drunken rythms. I met beautiful men, swam with beautiful fish, and would stand in the surf and let the mighty pacific beat me and smash me into the sand, cleansing, humbling, grounding. I hiked along the gorgeous Na Pali Coast, my shoes turning red with the mud, each turn in the path showing the impossible: an even more beautiful view of the coastline with its shimmering waters, dramatic peaks, and steep cliffs. Of course, there was also the endlessness that is the sky, all around the little island that I called home for two very short yet very big weeks. I fit into the laid back atmosphere of the islands effortlessly and happily, and could have stayed there easily, for much longer.

Mahalo!!!

gingerpuddin @ 2005-01-30T23:04:00

2005-01-31T04:01:03Z

Things that make me happy right now: I am living in a beautiful cabin in the woods. It is very peaceful here, very quiet, warm, and colorful. though no other people live here at the moment, I am hardly alone. Six cats; Sampson, Delilah, Dragonfly, Marley, Milo, and Diego are with me, as well as the dogs Kayla and Chelsea, Frank the fish, six hens and a rooster. The pictures of the family that live here are beautiful and numerous, and I feel like a part of the family somehow. The photographs, paintings, and poems on the walls are endless inspiration... I have found myself feeling much more motivated as of late.

Things that distress me: my mom, travels, sugar, people who don't like animals, italy/guatemala/susannah/emma, my fear of emotional vulnerability, my ankle.

I'm realizing lately that I have less and less to write here.

four of the six cats are sitting staring at me, so i shall go and give them some attention.

LA CAMINANTE...

2005-01-28T02:52:57Z

And so he said to his love as he left, "shhh, speak no more of the wonders of this world, and try not to ponder the perplexity of a world you cannot grasp, simply go with the flow and ride the peak of the tide, let it take you as far or close as you want to go, when you do tranquil bliss will fill you, everything is forgotten and all that matters is the now" with that and one last kiss he begin his journey away, a soul silhouette against a crimson sky, forever diminishing in the distance, a lone oasis formed at the corner of eye, she turned away to stare at the gold flecks of sun shimmering in the open water, the sun dipping behind them into the ocean, she smiled as she watched the evening tide trickle in, carrying the last of the sun's shine to her.

-Adam Stewart, the one and only

I am in a state of utter inward turmoil. I'm so restless I feel like I'm about to burst... everything reminds me that what i am doing and where i am at this moment isn't how i had planned it. I am reminiscing, everythign reminds me of times gone by, everything i see or hear or feel makes me want to disappear back into those days when i felt free. I'm choking on myself, choking on my life, wanting so much more then is at my finger tips. idealistically i dream and tear myself apart inside... although outwardly i'm doing very well, thank you. It's the kind of thing not many understand... it's something that has been a part of me for so long, i hardly know who i'd be without it, and yet... at this moment it's as if all those bits and pieces came together and it's becoming my entire self.

My memories and dreams all meld together and i can hardly tell them apart...